My Turf

Belief Partner

I just came back from a short inuman-slash-lunch with Ianco and Rey at Metrowalk, two of my favorite toma buddies. Hehehe. Kagabi pa nagkaka-yayaan uminom, actually. Pero dahil sa kung ano-anong dahilan (ubod ng trapik sa QC, puno ang Meatshop pag Friday, gusto ni Ianco ng lugar na tahimik at may Jack Daniels, etc., etc.), hindi kami natuloy.

Gumising ako ng maaga kanina para mag-transcribe ng interviews we conducted in the first leg of the UN project in Sagada, Mt. Province. I went online and saw Rey. 10 AM pa lang, nag-aaya na uminom ang Rey! Matagal ko nang hindi nagagawang uminom ng tanghaling tapat! So Rey and I agreed that he'd pick me up and we'd head off somewhere we could catch a few bottles.

Pumunta kami sa Carlo's Pizza in Metrowalk (where it's Always Crunchy, Never Oily!). Sandali lang dumating na rin si Ianco. The  bonding was fun, though it was cut short because both of them had previously set appointments--Rey with his gym instructor and Direk Ianco with his client.

So, slightly bangenge, slightly susuray-suray, hinatid ako ulit ni  Rey sa QC kung saan itutuloy ko naman ang pagtatrabaho.

While Rey was driving, napa-senti ako bigla. I'm not really sure if it was the beer (come to think of it, alcohol does that to me ALL THE TIME!).

"Do you still remember the time when we agreed to be Belief Partners?"

Belief Partner. Isang konseptong natutunan ko sa isang Artists' Convention in Tagaytay over three years ago. The idea is, to pick a person who you could share your dreams with and who would help you keep going for them. The Belief Partner is also your Accountability Checker--ang laging mangangamusta sa iyo kung ano na ang pinaggagagawa mo tungkol sa pangarap mo. Overall Cheerleader, Rah-Rah, Go-Go Person mo rin ang taong ito. Kaya nga Belief Partner--kasi maniniwala pa rin syang kaya mong maabot ang pangarap mo, kahit ikaw na mismo ay nagdududa na sa sarili mong kakayahan at kapasidad na ma-achieve yun. And it is termed "Partner" because you are expected to play that role for him/her also.

Dalawang tao lang ang kinuntsaba ko para maging Belief Partner ko. Ang una ay ang kabarkada ko sa Econ block ko na si Ana. At si Rey.

Naalala ko pa yung YM conversation when I asked Rey that we become Belief Partners. He was gunning for this big position in his company.  It had already been offered to him then, pero wala pang confirmation.

Matagal na panahon at maraming hindi kagandahang pangyayari na ang lumipas kay Rey, hindi pa rin dumadating ang kontratang hinihintay nya.

I remember how I'd keep reassuring him, telling him not to worry. "Answered prayer na yan, Rey!"

Kasi ganon dapat ang faith. Pag ipinagdasal mo na, claim it. Believe it is already yours. Don't worry about it aymore. Your heart should never stop believing that your prayer has been answered.

Isang araw, naka-tambay ako sa Nyarbucks sa baba ng opisina ko. Nag-ring ang telepono ko. Tumatawag si Rey.

"I got it!"

Sobrang saya ko sa balita nya! Pakiramdam ko AKO yung pipirma ng kontratang yun! Parang sarili kong dream ang natupad!

"Sabi ko sa iyo, answered prayer na yan eh!"

Rey and I don't se each other too often. The Belief Partners concept did not come up again until today. But somehow, knowing that there is this person who truly believes you could do it provides that push, that nudge that helps you move along--even during times when you yourself feel you could no longer go any farther. At maniniwala ka na rin sa sarili mo kahit hindi mo laging nakikita yung taong alam mong naniniwala sa'yo.

"I always pray for you," sabi ni Rey.

I really found comfort and quiet assurance in that. 

Belief Partner. Go ahead and find yourself one.

Badnews na Good!

Dear Ms. Ingles:

I have some good news and bad news for you. The bad news is, I didn't get to use
your memoir on what it was like for a UP Maroons fan in your time for my
article. I'm really sorry about that. (Di nga. Hinanapan ko talaga ng paraan
para isama sa article ko.)

The good news is, your memoir was so good, we decided to turn it into a
stand-alone article in the June-July issue of the UP Forum, which is now online
. It was edited a bit (I hope you don't mind),
but besides a few tweaks, it's published in its entirety. I also hope you don't
mind the title, "Confessions of a Die-Hard UP Maroons Fan". Um, it was my idea.
(Di nga, talaga. Ang ganda ng sinulat mo, eh.)

So I was wondering if I could get your mailing address so I could send you your
issue of the UP Forum by snail-mail...?

Again, thank you very, very much for your help. And congrats!

Respectfully,

Staff Member, UP-OAR

_______________________________________________________

My good friend and Econ blockmate, Myda, forwarded to our barkada egroup a request from a staff member of the UP alumni office for story bits about the UAAP. Hence, I excitedly wrote a 'memoir' about my days as a Maroon fanatic, uploaded it in my blogs and sent it to the staff member.

She emailed back and said she liked what I wrote and that she'll definitely use it in her article.

I NEVER EXPECTED THAT SHE'D USE IT AS A STAND-ALONE ARTICLE! IN THE UP FORUM! AAAAAHHHH!

Yun lang. Gusto ko lang i-share. Hehehe. Happiness!

Taking the first step in faith

It feels so surreal.

I went to the office on a Sunday afternoon to write my boss a letter.

It was to formally inform him that I am resigning.

Even now, typing the word, “resign” feels awfully weird.

Beginnings are always scary. Endings are always sad.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. O kung ano ba ang dapat maramdaman ko.

Ano ba dapat ang nararamdaman ng taong namamaalam para mag-move on?

Naks, parang bagong break lang ah!

Sa aking madamdaming liham, humirit ako sa boss ko ng mga mala-“It’s not you, it’s me” na linya (minus the bullshit, syempre).

Dear Bosing Pon-Japs,

Greetings!

This is to personally inform you that I have already tendered my resignation to HR last week. This shall take effect on July 31, 2008.

I learned a lot during my stay in the company. It was a pleasure helping pioneer the broadcasting arm of IPS and PIMS. Putting up the Creatives department was like watching a little baby grow. I witnessed how we developed from a department that could only produce print materials to one that is capable of coming up with its own TV commercials and actually generating revenue from them. As I leave, I take pride and joy in the fact that I was able to contribute my talent and hard work to the growth of PIMS and, to a broader extent, IPS as well.

The Creatives team is made up of very talented and spirited people. They are all truly artistic, hard-working, passionate, and dedicated to their job. I leave the company confident that the Creative Services department I painstakingly helped put up is in good hands.

Lastly, please know that my reason for leaving is not in any way due to dissatisfaction with my salary or management style. It is simply because there are other career opportunities I would like to explore. Just like the Creatives team, I have also grown immensely because of PIMS, and I now feel ready to move on and do bigger things. Rest assured that should you need my help on anything—conceptualizing and executing marketing/ creative strategies, putting up commercial shoots, organizing a production crew, extending your network—you could always count on me to assist you.

Sir, I only hold the deepest regard for you and the rest of upper management. Thank you very much for your guidance and the trust that you have given me. I wish you all the best, and may you and the company continue to be blessed.

Milestones

2005.

Napaka-heartbreaking ng panimula ng taong ito.

Ito ang taon na natapos ang project ko sa NGO kung saan talagang minahal ko ang trabaho ko.

Ito ang taon na parang nililipad lang ng ipo-ipo lahat ng talent fee na natatanggap ko.

Ito ang taong nilunok ko lahat ng mga pinagsasabi ko nung isa pa akong mayabang na bagong graduate sa UP at tinanggap ang posibilidad na nasa call center nga yata ang aking tunay na calling.

Pero hindi ako mabilis sumuko. Iiyak ako, pero hindi ako magpapatalo. At may paniniwala akong wala akong ginusto sa buhay kong hindi ko nakukuha.

Sabi ng bida sa pelikulang Dream for an Insomniac, “I don’t give up. I change my mind.” Hindi sumuko si Checheboobear noong August 2005. Inisip ko lang na hindi iisa ang ruta patungo sa katuparan ng pangarap. Kung hindi uubra ang shortcut, merong ibang daan na maaaring mas matagal, pero sa parehong destinasyon ka rin dadalhin.

Isa’t kalahating buwan ang training sa Convergys. Isang buwan para i-Americanize kayo (teaching you the ‘twang, English grammar, all about American culture, America’s geography, memorizing America’s states and their capitals, yadayadayada). Ang half-month naman ay devoted sa training about the account to which you’ll be assigned. Enjoy ako sa training, pero tuloy pa rin ang pag-raket ko sa kung saan-saan para sa kung ano-ano.

Come October, sinabi sa akin ni Ronnie na may bagong project ang DV Sharks. May nakilala daw syang naghahanap ng grupo na magpo-produce ng kanilang mga TV commercials. Bilang PM, ako ang nakipag-meeting sa marketing officers ng kumpanya para alamin kung ano ang magagawa ng grupo namin para sa kanila. Marami na daw silang footage para sa commercials ng iba’t-ibang produktong binebenta nila sa mga Pilipino sa

Japan

pero hindi sila marunong magsulat ng script at mag-edit ng video. Samakatuwid, perfect ang team namin para ibigay ang kailangan nila.

Ang kumpanyang ito ay ang Pilipinas International Marketing Services, Inc. Ito na nga ang PIMS. Distributor ng GMA Pinoy TV sa Japan. Ilang buwan pa lang tumatakbo. Fresh na fresh. Parang sanggol na walang muwang sa mundo.

Dating gawi kami ni Ronnie. Ako ang sumulat ng script at nagpi-PM. Siya ang editor. Sa ilang balik ko sa opisina ng PIMS, naging ka-chika ko ang Assistant Marketing Manager na si Rina. Binibiro ko lang sya na baka may opening sa Marketing. Biglang naging seryoso ang lola mo at sinabing, “Oo, kailangan namin ng Marketing Officer!”

To make the long story short, walang kaabog-abog kong binitawan ang trabaho ko sa call center at tumalon sa PIMS. Wala akong alam sa Marketing. Wala akong alam sa Sales. Pero alam kong hindi nagpapatawa ang Diyos nung ipinakilala sa akin ang mga taong ito o nung maisara namin ni Ronnie ang project na ito. Hindi na ako pinag-exam ng HR nila. Ni hindi na ako in-interview. Namulat na lang ako isang araw na sa Ortigas na ang opisina ko. At dahil sanay sa pagfi-freelance, ilang linggo bago ako nasanay na mag-punch in ng time card tuwing papasok at lalabas ako ng PIMS. Pero buokd sa hassle ng bandy clock, malinaw na malinaw sa isip ko na nahanap ko na ang trabahong gusto ko. Kung baga sa lovelive, nahanap ko na si Mr. Right. Hindi lang “It Might Be You” kundi, “IT IS YOU!”

Dalawang layout artists, isa pang Marketing Officer at dalawang marketing managers ang kasama ko sa team noon. Wala pang broadcast department. Nung pumasok ako, AKO ANG BROADCAST DEPARTMENT. Oo, ako mag-isa! Sasabihin sa akin ng mga boss ko kung ano ang produkto o kliyenteng nangangailangan ng commercial. Gagawa ako ng konsepto at susulat ng script. Ako din ang editor (syempre ang chachaka ng mga nagagawa ko! Hehehe). Pag natapos ang commercial, ipapadala ko ang DVD sa Glisaz para i-transfer sa mini-DV tape. Ime-mail ko ito sa Clark para sila nag magbato ng signal sa Japan. Tapos gagawa ako ng Broadcast Order at isasaayos ang Media Plan.

Writer, Video Editor, Media Planner. Ako lahat yun. Hindi ko ito expertise pero hindi ako nagreklamo kahit kailan. Enjoy ako sa ginagawa ko, at proud pa rin ako sa output ko.

In less than two months, gusto na akong ipadala ng Presidente namin sa Japan para mag-shoot. Pero nung una, na-deny ang aking VISA kaya March 2006 pa ako unang nakaalis. 

2006

Ito ang aking unang out-of-the-country trip. Noon ko lang naranasan ang mag-lakad sa gitna ng winter na may hila-hilang video camera (with all its accessories!), digital camera, may bitbit pang tripod, habang pilit na iniintindi ang pagsalin-salin sa subway ng Tokyo.

Isa sa golden lessons na natutunan ko sa pagiging isang multi-tasking employee sa PIMS: Wag kang puro angal. At lalong wag kang holdout. Yung tipong kung ano lang ang palagay mong nakukuha mo, yun lang din ang ibibigay mo. Kasi sa bandang huli, ikaw lang din ang lugi. Akala ng iba, nauutakan nila ang kumpanya dahil sa pagpe-petiks o hindi paggawa ng higit sa kung ano ang inaasahan sa kanila. Pero sino ba ang hindi umuunlad? Sino ba ang hindi umaangat ang kaalaman?

Hindi naging madali ang buhay ko sa PIMS, pero saan ka ba makakahanap ng ganito kasayang experience? Hindi maraming tao ang makakapagsabing nakapag-produce sila ng documentary by their lonesome, at isa ako sa mga taong yun.

Pagbalik ko mula sa Tokyo, nakabili na sila ng bagong editing machine at may na-hire na silang video editor. Si Wendell Clemente. Isa syang God’s gift sa aking buhay! Ako pa rin ang sumulat ng script ng documentary na shinoot ko, pero sya na ang nag-edit. Dahan-dahan na ring dumami ang TV commercials ng kumpanya dahil may video editor na para mag-execute ng aking ideas!

Dahil may editor na, natuto akong gumawa ng storyboard para maintindihan ni Wendell kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari. Dino-drawing ko lang ito sa mga newsprint, pero dahil magaling at creative sya, nagagawa naman nya.

Binibigyan kami ng GMA ng 168 minutes a day for our commercials, at syempre hindi namin nako-consume lahat ito. Nung nakita nilang may capacity na kami ni Wendell to produce commercials, sinimulan na ng Japan office ang pagbebenta ng commercials spots sa GMA Pinoy TV, at naka-pakete na rin and production services.

After several months, pinadala ng Japan dito sa Pilipinas ang video camera na ginamit ko noon. Come August, shinoot namin ni Wendell ang aming kauna-unahang TVC! Ang kliyente pa ay Akabane Bussan, isang kumpanyang nagde-deliver ng Filipino products sa Japan! Tandang-tanda ko pang 25k pesos lang ang budget ko para i-produce ito. Natural, hindi kagandahan, pero as months passed, the production quality of our final outputs improved as own skills got better with practice.

Dumami ng dumami ang kliyente namin. May mga panahon na halos 2 o 3 commercials ang shinu-shoot namin ni Wendell sa isang buwan. Lumago rin ang aking network of suppliers, talent agents, stylists, and makeup artists.

2007

Ang highlight ng taong ito ay ang resignation ni Wendeel at ang pagpasok ko sa Mowelfund.

PIMS sponsored my enrollment in Directing class. I met the people who are to be among my closest friends and project partners.

Dahil nga umalis na si Wendell, ang mga kaklase ko na sa Mowel ang tumutulong sa mga shoot ko.

If only for the people I met through Mowelfund, sulit na sulit na ang mga taong ginugol ko sa PIMS. 

2008

Matagal ko nang na-realize na ang tunay na calling ko sa buhay ay nasa production work.

Pero in late 2007, mas umigting sa akin ang desire to document good news and spread them to as many people as I could possible reach.

Sumulat ako kina Red Batario at Girlie Alvarez ng CCJD tungkol sa mga balakin ko sa buhay. Kinekwento ko rin sa lahat ng kaibigan ko na ito ang gusto kong gawin.

Totoo nga siguro ang Law of Attraction. Kasi nung napag-desisyunan kong ito ang gusto kong gawin, binigyan ako ng project ng CCJD to produce their AVP, at nakuha pa akong mag-PM para sa isang project to produce short video documentaries on best practices on disaster management sa iba’t ibang lugar sa Bicol.

Nag-resign ako sa PIMS nung February.

Pero hindi ko matiis ang aking team. Kaya pagbalik ko sa Manila from a long trip in Bicol, tinanggap ko ang offer ng kumpanya at nagbalik-loob sa PIMS.

4 na buwan pagkatapos nun, nangangati na naman akong umalis. Palagay ko naman tama ang ginawa kong pagbalik, pero bandang May or June, bumalik na naman sa akin ang uneasiness na parang wala na ako sa tamang lugar. I should be somewhere else, doing something else.

Naisip ko na gusto ko magtayo ng sarili kong production group. Yung nagfo-focus sa good news. Yung nagfo-focus sa POSITIVE CHANGE. Yung naka-tutok sa advocacy work and helping make other people’s lives better.

Sariling business. Sariling team.

Naisip ko na para ma-pull off ko ito, kailangan kong ma-tap ang malalaking institusyon. Government, NGOs, funders, donors, etc. Malalaking institusyon tulad ng UN.

Nung nakaraang buwan, pagkatapos ng presentation ko ng revised AVP kila Sir Red ng CCJD, binanggit nyang may kaibigan syang naghahanap ng creative head for a project. “Pwede ko bang ibigay ang number mo?” Oo naman po!, ang mabilis kong sagot. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang contact nya. Basta ang alam ko tinutupad ko lang ang aking goal na kailanman hindi tumanggi sa raket.

Kinabukasan, nakatanggap ako ng text. “Hi, Cheryl. This is Ruth Gerrochi from UNFPA. Red gave me your number…”

Seryosong tumaas ang balahibo ko pagkatapos kong mabasa ang text nya.

Sabi nga sa The Secret, you just have to decide on what you want. Hindi mo na dapat problemahin ang How.

Sinabi ko a few months back na gusto ko magkaron ng project sa UN. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

At eto ngayon ang isang project sa UN na basta na lang dumating sa akin!

Sabi ni Ruth, naghahanap daw sya ng isang taong maghe-head ng Photojournal project for UN Population Fund. Ito ay isang coffee table book documenting the best practices on reproductive health and population development in different parts of the Philippines.

A lot of travel. Creative work. Photography. Writing. UN. BEST PRACTICES. Documentation of good news.

Ang status ko palagi sa YM, “Whatever I need comes to me. Expect, not doubt!”

Ngayon ko tuloy napagko-konekta lahat ng mga pangyayari noong mga nakaraang taon. Lahat ng nakilala ko at lahat ng nangyari sa akin ay mahalagang bahagi ng proseso para makarating ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Kaya pala ako nag-aral sa UP. Kaya pala ako umalis ng Econ at nag-shift sa Broadcast Comm. Kaya pala ako sumali sa Broad Ass. Kaya pala naging kaibigan ko ang orgmate na si Ronnie at napa-sama sa team ng DV Sharks. Kaya pala naging kliyente ng DV Sharks ang PIMS. Kaya pala pinag-aral ako ng PIMS sa Mowelfund...

Hindi ko matatanggap ang UN photojournal project kung hindi ako nag-Mowel. Kasi kung hindi ako nag-Mowel, hindi ko makikilala ang photographer friend na si Patrick. At kung hindi ako nag-Mowel, hindi ko makikilala ang ubod ng talented ng mga taong kasama ko sa trabaho at pinakamalalapit na kaibigan ko ngayon. Kung hindi ko sila nakilala, ni hindi ko papangaraping mag-resign dahil hindi ko kaya i-offer mag-isa lahat ng services ng isang buong production house. Kung hindi ako nag-PIMS, hindi ko makikilala ang network of suppliers na napakahalaga para sa isang PM. Kung hindi ako nag-PIMS, wala akong magiging silbi sa mga kaklase ko sa Mowel dahil ang mga commercials na ginawa namin sa PIMS ang nakatulong sa pag-buo nila ng kanilang reel bilang Direktor, PD, DOP... 

Siddhartha's right. We all do belong to the unity of things.

Again: Whatever I need comes to me.

Be still in the presence of the Lord

The Lord promised, “These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair for all these things shall come to pass. Just be patient. They will not be overdue a single day!”

Pagka-pirma ng kontrata sa UN, kinausap ko na agad ang HR Manager ng PIMS at nag-resign.

Di ba sinabi rin ni Paolo Coelho sa librong The Alchemist? All the universe conspires to give you what your heart desires.

It has been said by so many people, in so many ways, through so many means. But we tend to focus on everything that is going wrong, instead of how things are actually working to give us what we want. It is just a matter of understanding that every experience (yes, even the seemingly bad ones!) has a blessing to offer.

Ang unang tanong lagi ng mga tao sa akin, “Ano na ang mangyayari sa’yo pagkatapos ng UN?”

Sa tingin mo ba, pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, matatakot pa ako?

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King

Vignette: Manong Taxi

Hindi ko pa yata naranasan sa tanang buhay ko ang magalit ng ganon ka-grabe.

Gigil na gigil ako sa'yo, gusto kong ibato sa'yo lahat ng condiments sa lamesa, lahat ng bote ng beer, mga kubyertos, plato (lalo na yung hot plate na pinaglagyan ng pulutan!), tissue holder...Lahat ng tamaan ng mata ko, gusto kong ihagis sa'yo para itikom mo na ang bibig mo at tumigil ka na sa kakasalita.

Kwento ka ng kwento tungkol sa bagong babae mo, eh katabi mo lang ako!

"Wag ka ngang papa-halatang apektado ka! Para kang tanga!" sabi ng isang kaibigang lalakeng nakakaalam ng storya nating dalawa. Kinorner at kinomfort din ako ng asawa ni Kaibigang Lalake sa CR, kung saan nagkanda-iyak-iyak ako sa panggagalaiti sa'yo.

"Tangina nya, ano bang problema nya?!" Hindi ko matangggap na napaka-kapal ng mukha mong magkwento tungkol sa iyong 'hapless search for true love' in my presence. At katabi mo pa ako. Hindi ko matanggap na napaka-kapal ng mukha mong magparinig--oo, nagpaparinig ka! Gusto mo lang malaman ang reaksyon ko sa mga sinasabi mo. The fact na sinasadya mong manakit just so you can feel better about yourself ang pinaka hindi ko matanggap sa lahat. At yun din ang pinaka-masakit.

2 taon na akong hindi humihipo ng sigarilyo bago kita nakilala.

2 buwan matapos nun, chain smoker na ako ulit.

Inutusan ko ang PA na kuhanin sa waiter ang bill. Tiningnan ko kung magkano ang kailangan kong i-share. Alam kong sobra-sobra ang naibayad ko, pero kaso ayaw ng maghintay ng mga luha ko sa sukli.

Huling hithit sa yosi. Sinubsob sa ash tray. Kuha ng bag. Kaway sa mga kasama sa lamesa. "Uuwi ka na?!" gulat na gulat na tanong nila. Hindi na ako sumagot. Bumaba ako sa kubo, lumabas ng bar at pumara ng taxi.

Napansin ko pang humahabol ang 2 pang kaibigang boys. Pero hindi nila nakitang nakasakay na ako.

Hindi pa man nakalalayo ang taxi, ngumawa na ako ng husto. Nakakaiyak pa lalo ang tugtog ng driver na naka-tune-in yata sa Love Radio (o baka Yes FM. O Energy FM. Ah, ewan. Magkaka-tunog lang naman ang mga yun).

Mahigit dalawampung minuto ang drive mula Quezon City hanggang Pasig. Nasa C5 na ako, hindi pa rin ako tumitigil. At hindi ito silent crying. Ito ay may sound. May hikbi. Literal na "Hu-hu-hu."

Ilang beses sumilip sa rearview mirror si Manong Taxi.

Hindi na sya naka-tiis.

"O...baket umiiyak?"

Hindi ako sumagot.

"Nakita ko mukha ngang gago sya eh."

Hindi ko naman masabi kay manong na hindi naman si Tarantado ang nakita nyang nakasunod sa akin bago ako sumakay sa taxi nya.

"Gago po talaga sya!" Sabay singhot. Sabay hikbi. Tuloy pa rin ang Hu-hu-hu.

Iiling-iling si Manong Taxi.

"Hindi iniiyakan ang ganong lalake."

Nagpasalamat ako at iniabot sa kanya ang bayad. Pumasok ako ng apartment, humiga sa sofa at umiyak ulit.

Halos 2 buwan na naging refuge ko ang sofa na ito.

Hindi ako natutulog sa kwarto kasi dinaig pa nito ang Smokey Mountain sa sobrang dumi. At ayaw ko ring linisin. Ganon pala ang tunay na depression. Wala akong ganang gumawa ng kahit ano. Wala akong lakas gumawa ng kahit ano. Lahat nakakatamad. Lahat nakakapagod.

Hindi madali at hindi mabilis ang proseso ng pagpapagaling. Pero may katapusan din ito. Mahalaga lang ang prosesong ito para malaman at maintindihan ko kung ano ang meron ako. At kung ano ang kaya kong mawala sa akin.

Nakita ko rin na hindi ako pinapabayaan.

Ngayon, alam ko na. Na kahit may mga nakasakit sa akin, may mga bagong taong dadating. May mga bagong characters na mai-introduce sa storya. 

Hanggang sa hindi ko namamalayan na okey na pala 'ko.

Okey na okey na pala 'ko.

Tama si Manong Taxi. Hindi ka nga dapat iniiyakan.

Remembering Jeboy

June 12 is Philippine Independence Day. But to me, it holds more meaning--it is also Jeboy’s birthday.

Jeboy’s one of the better-looking boys in our high school class. Those dark, round eyes were his best asset He was among the smartest, too. He seemed to be the only person who could solve Mrs. Imperial's Physics problems without a sweat. He earned the moniker, "Master" because of this. When we graduated, he was part of the batch's Top 10. If I remember correctly, I think he even bagged the "Best in Physics" plum as well. To top all these off, Jeboy’s multi-talented. He’s good in sports, could play the guitar well…in short, your classic Jack of All Trades.

We did not belong to the same tight-knit group, but he and I hit it off pretty well. After high school, his barkada and mine sort of merged, and we regularly got together for drinking sessions, billiards, and countless other gimmicks in places that were popular in the late 90s (he was also kind enough to indulge my friend, Grace’s invitation to be part of her debut party’s cotillion de honor! Haha!)

Between 2000-2001, most members of our high school batch got our college degrees. It no longer came as a surprise to anyone when Jeboy was licensed as an Electronics and Communications Engineer. When we became professionals, the gimmicks lessened, but they never stopped. All of us remained good friends even when we got too busy to hang out with each other as often as we did when we were students.

Everything’s cool. Everything’s fine and dandy.

Then in July 21, 2004, I wrote in my blog then a most angry, bitter, heartbreaking entry.

 

 

Wednesday. July 21, 2004

Jeboy and Lymph Node Cancer 
 
Why? Why does a thing like this happen? To a guy who just turned 25 years old? I don’t understand. Honestly, I don’t. 
 

Ang labo 
 
Were the only words I could mutter when Janolo told me Jeboy was diagnosed with cancer. I just saw him a few months back! I even remember telling him, "Taba mo ah!" then giving him a hug. He was so vibrant and healthy and friggin' young!
 
Ang Labo--the only words I could mutter when I learned of the news 'cause that's the only fitting description for it: Ang Labo. Ang labo-labo-labo. 

25
 
The quarter-life is filled with anxiety…questions about where you’re headed, the direction that your life has turned, what you have become and what you would want to be next. It’s a time when you start to worry about your own finances, health and life insurance, having or not having a love life, a husband or a wife, being a mother or a father or being sterile, being a bum or being in a job you hate, taking up post-graduate studies, religion, your parental and sibling relations, depression, burn-out, existential questions…BUT NOT DEATH. At 25, you’re wrestling with numerous other concerns about your life that death is farthest from your mind. At 25, death should be the last thing you’re thinking of. With the exception of suicide, of course. But to die against your will? That sheds an entirely different light on the issue.
 
Gawd.
 
Jeboy? Threatened by death when he's just the same age as me? It's just so fucking frustrating!
 
Life when you're 25 should not be about being scared that your own demise could come any time. It should not be about abrupt endings. It should not be about saying goodbye to the people you love. It should not be about waking up everyday wondering, “Today? Will I die today?”   
 
Not fair. At all.
 
It's not fair for life to be challenged or threatened by death. Not at 25. Not at a time when you're scrambling for opportunities to do all that you can and want to do.   
 
Living to die. Sick irony. That is all that it is. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sick irony ended in 2005, a year after I wrote this entry. When Jeboy passed away on Christmas Day.

 

When I received the bad news, I could not understand how I felt. It was a mixture of sadness and guilt and anger and disbelief. I thought he was getting better? I thought the recent MRIs reflected improvements in his condition? Didn't his Dad just leave for another country because he's already confident Jeboy's on his way to becoming fully healed?

 

The entire time he was sick, I often called him up at his house. Our conversations would pause for a week or two following his chemotherapy, but would resume again when I knew he’d have regained enough energy to talk. They were mostly brief chats because I didn’t want to tire him out. He sounded faint, but you knew he sincerely appreciated the regular exchange

 

I promised Jeboy I’d visit him. When work load’s not so heavy. When I’m not so busy. I’ll go this weekend. Or maybe the weekend after that. Don’t worry, Jeboy, you’ll surely get better! We have lots of time. We have lots of time.

A year after he was diagnosed, he died. On the day Jesus Christ was born, Jeboy died.

  

I read somewhere, “If you’re afraid of someone dying, love them now!”

 

I wish we all understand that we really do not have as much time on our hands as we think. Sadly, we often don’t. If we do, there would be no taking anything or anyone for granted. There would be no procrastinating or putting off or passing up. There would be no need to make up for anything or offset or compensate. There would be nothing to be sorry about or feel remorse for.

 

Love them now. Tell them now. Show them now.

 

There’s really no telling when it’s time.

 

Usapang Bola

I used to be a shameless, hardcore, die-hard local basketball fan.

The fanaticism for the sport began in the late ‘80s, when I fell in love with Shell’s then-rookie, Benjie Paras. I had clippings of Benjie’s photos from newspapers and magazines kept in a small security-number protected cashbox. I wrote him letters, typed on perfumed stationeries using the conventional Ta-ka-tak typewriter. 10 years old and barely touching 4 feet tall at the time, my admiration for the player was way bigger than myself.

My Dad was a huge Añejo/ Ginebra fan then, though. He’d sometimes take us to Ultra to watch live games. It didn’t take long for me to catch on the team’s, and Robert Jaworski’s never-say-die spirit. Through my father’s influence, I eventually turned from a Shell devotee to an Añejo convert.

Rudy Distrito’s winning lay-up in Game 7 of the 1991 Ginebra win over Shell would forever remain as one of my all-time favorite basketball memories. 

Then in the mid-90s, I started high school and got too engrossed in extra-curricular activities (COCC and Student Council and after-exam-movie gimmicks, and all that jazz). Basketball took the backseat.

The fanaticism was back with a vengeance in 1996, though. PBA newbies, Bal David and Marlou Aquino joined Ginebra. It was a very potent Center-Point combination made ever stronger with power forward, Noli Locsin and big guard, Vince Hizon (and a very deep bench to boot). In 1997, Ginebra/ Gordon’s Gin won the championship again, and I was beside myself with glee.

I was a freshman in UP in 1996. My love for basketball went beyond the PBA—when I got to UP, I became an instant UP Maroons fan! And, as luck would have it, my closest friends from my freshman block were crazy over basketball as well!

UP was never known to be a basketball powerhouse (unlike UST or  La Salle back in the mid-90s). However, the Maroons lineup in 1996 did not disappoint. They even managed to wind up in the Final Four, I think. I could still remember the main players: Paolo Mendoza, Allan Gamboa, Bryan Gahol, Bing Victoria, Dexter Racho, Ogie Gumatay. Their coach then was Eric Altamirano, before he was replaced by Nick Jorge in 1997 or ’98.

My friends and I closely followed the games (and the players!). After class, even though none of us had cars then, we would ride the UP-Katipunan jeep and head to Ateneo to watch the games. During big matches, we’d troop all the way to Araneta Coliseum or Rizal Stadium in Taft just to cheer the UP team. Being freshmen, our classes were mostly in AS (except for Kasaysayan 2 in Asian Center, and of course, our PE classes). But since the players were mostly sophomores, we’d often see them, too! We memorized the floors and times when there were ‘player sightings’ and casually pass by, hoping to catch a glimpse. Some players were frat members or part of the ‘sosyal’ crowd, and would often be seen hanging out at the AS lobby (this was where all the coño people usually hung out then). My friends and I would walk back and forth in the lobby, giggling and whispering as we stole guilty glances at the burly fellows seated on the benches. All we talked about was basketball, basketball, basketball! I don’t know how we managed to do it, but we somehow got hold of some of the Maroons’ home numbers and, like lovesick idiots, actually called them up! We’d give fake names and fake reasons for calling. We’d ring their phones, listen to their voices and hang up. In our first barkada Christmas party, we called up a player and took turns talking to him! The guy indulged, praise heavens. But I still cringe to this day when I remember that night. Shameless fanaticism, all right! 

During the first semester of my second year, I took Cheerleading for my PE. Oh no, no, no, don’t get me wrong! In UP, Cheer Dancing is different from Cheerleading. Cheerleading is the PE class where the only physical task you have to perform is to bring yourself to wherever the UP team is playing, and have a pep squad member sign your ticket. That’s it! Boy, did I ace that subject. I watched almost all of the Maroons’ games during this UAAP season!

And here is a very fantastic event. I used to work as a cashier in Jollibee-Philcoa. During one night shift, I was flabbergasted to see THE Paolo Mendoza walking towards the counter. I swear I could actually feel my mouth dropping wide open as he approached. But that is far from being the best part of the story.

The best part of the story is Paolo was soon joined by another Maroon. And another. And another. Then some of the coaching staff. All of them, standing in front of me, looking at the products listed overhead, giving me their orders. I probably looked like a total fool, smiling from ear to ear as I filled soft drink cups and called out orders to the kitchen crew and arranged fries and burgers on the tray. That was perhaps the biggest single transaction I ever handled in my Jollibee career (career daw, o!). And it was hands-down the most delightful!

When I shifted from Economics to Broadcast Communication during second sem of 1997, I'd often see the players in the Masscomm building (a handful of them were Film majors). Unfortunately, my interest in basketball-watching had waned significantly. My focus shifted from basketball to my college org, Broad Ass, and my my major subjects. Add to that the cumbersome fact that the UP Maroons started having more losses than wins. The situation has remained sad ever since.

Even now in my late 20s, I admit I am still hoping for a UP championship. There are days when I'd wish I was in UP during the late 80s when the Maroons, led by Ronnie Magsanoc, Benjie Paras and Eric Altamirano, lorded it over all other teams and won the UAAP cup. I long for the day when UP would also be known for its brawn and not just for its brains. I could still recall how we'd (in all bitterness!) shout at students from other schools during games when UP's obviously about to lose, 'Quiz Bee na lang! Hahaha. Such is the UP bravado. Talo na nga, ang yabang pa rin. Or nakakahanap pa rin ng rason para mag-yabang. :-)

Still, I could imagine that  very, very few things could bring me more elation other than singing, UP Naming Mahal, in a match that UP actually won. I thought Marvin Cruz could lead UP to the championship. Sadly, the team fell short, but, as I said, I'm not yet done hoping.

I never imagined that a childhood passion would make my college life a whole lot more interesting. On a deeper, more significant level, it was through love for basketball that I met the best friends I still keep to this day. If only for the wonderful friendship and memories I stumbled upon through the sport, I could honestly claim that basketball defined more than half of my UP stay. Yes, even if most events occured as I watched on the sidelines.

I guess the line that goes, “Life’s a ball” holds more meaning for me than I could ever begin to explain.

 

Tanong

1. From Counting Crows’ Raining in Baltimore: “But what would you change if you could?”

Yeah, what would you change if you could?

2. They say if you want something badly enough, think about it often enough, visualize it strongly enough, work hard enough for it, that it is already yours. That a concentrated, unfaltering combination of passion, faith and effort would be able to bring that which you desire from the realm of possibilities to the realm of realities.

But what if two or more people are wishing for the exact same thing—wanting it with the same level of intensity, the same longing, the same yearning, exerting an equal amount of effort towards it--whose wish would be granted?

How are winners chosen and how should losers cope?

No one could fault you for being bitter and angry and just devastated if you don’t get what you’ve set your heart on for so long. More so if the prize goes to someone you think is far less deserving.

But then again, who decides who deserves what?

3. Who ever said our own our salvation lies in other people’s hands?

4. Eh baket ka naniwala agad? Tanga ka kasi eh. Atat ka masyado. Alam mo na ngang nanloloko lang eh…

Keso sa Siopao

Usapang pag-ibig. Nakakatuwang pruweba na may mga lalake pa rin palang hind nagpapadala sa kaba...

Masarap pala makipag-palitan ng kuro-kuro tungkol sa lablayp (existing or imagined, even over an unfeeling electronic medium such as Yahoo Messenger ) sa gitna ng tambak na deadlines.

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:55:21 PM): te che may tanong ako

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:14 PM): po?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:19 PM): basta wag math

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:20 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:21 PM): loko lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:58:40 PM): heheh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:46 PM): ano yun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:58:56 PM): pag nagmahal ka ba, as in solid?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:03 PM): in general ba ganon ang girls?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:06 PM): o ikaw na lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:07 PM): heheh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:11 PM): di ko alam kung in general

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:16 PM): pero marami akong kilalang ganon

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:18 PM): ahh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:18 PM): at kasama ako don

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:19 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:20 PM): nice

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:21 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:39 PM): elaboreyt

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:40 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:40 PM): ang alam ko, maraming lalaking ganon din.

pero di nila pinapakita

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:44 PM): hmmm...

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:46 PM): ahhhh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:50 PM): define mo ano ang solid sayo

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:59 PM): most girls kasi tend to ba makulit pag in lab

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:02 PM): text ng text

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:05 PM): tawag ng tawag

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:07 PM): ganun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:07 PM): ahhh...

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:10 PM): ako kasi ganun eh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:11 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:18 PM): tapos, aawayin ang boypren pag di

nagreply agad

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:21 PM): pero yung view sa relationship ng girls

shempre iba iba noh?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:23 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:45 PM): kasi, feeling mo, he doesnt love you as

much as you love him. praning ka pag parang di ka nami-miss kasi hindi nangangamusta

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:47 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:55 PM): eh di naman talaga mahilig sa ganun ang

guys, di ba?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:56 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:09 PM): nakow

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:11 PM): at baket ka naman napatanong ha?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:11 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:26 PM): kasi te che pakiramdam ko sobrang

nalululong ako sa kanya eh

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:27 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:31 PM): AWWWW

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:34 PM): that's SO SWEET

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM): wala ka bang clone

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM): classified to te che ha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:41 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:51 PM): kuya na mas matanda sayo (malamang,

kuya nga eh!)

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:56 PM): na pwede mo ipa-date sa akin

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:57 PM): hahaha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:00 PM): haaay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:04 PM): ang sweet naman nun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:06 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:12 PM): heheheh sorry te che ha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:13 PM): eh ano namang masama dun sa

nararamdaman mo?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:14 PM): kung baduy

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:16 PM): hmmm

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:27 PM): ayoko lang mawala sya talaga te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:36 PM): baket naman sya mawawala?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:42 PM): wala lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:46 PM): hay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:46 PM): well, wag ka lang masyadon seloso at

possessiv

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:47 PM): sorry te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:50 PM): possessive

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:55 PM): ayaw nyo ba yun?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:56 PM): may mga taong ayaw ng kinukulit

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:00 PM): ahh hehehe

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:01 PM): ako, ganun ako